"Hey dad?" She inquired, her voice low as to not startle him. He slowly opened his eyes and glanced upwards with a look of death appearing on his face.
"What do you want?" He returned not so delicately. She hesitated. Do I ask him? Is it really that important? She could not make up her mind.
"Can I go to the carnival this year? Pleassseee?" She closed her eyes and turned her head towards her feet. Her father sighed, obviously not amused.
"What?" He asked her as if not understanding the first question. She put up her guard now, ready to defend her case.
"I have never been before and I am almost 17 years old now. All of my friends are going!"
He put his hand on his forehead as if in a frustrated deep thought. "No Allison."
This is where the fight starts.
"But dad, I am going to be 17 in a month! I will have my liscense soon! Why can't I go?"
He started to sit up and yelled higher, as if in a challenge. "Because bad things happen at the carnival, that's why!"
This always happens to me. He wonders why I sit home on saturday nights with no friends. "Just because you're a cop doesn't mean that everything you see is going to happen to me. I will be with a group of six friends and I will have my phone on me. Please." She was no longer merely requesting, now she was begging.
He laid back down and turned to face the wall. "I will talk to your mother." The conversation was over.
Having little actions and thoughts of the characters in your piece really gave it personality. Next time creating a more difficult discussion between the two people could really add to your piece, instead of it mainly revolving around Allison's personal difficulty. Great piece, it was very entertaining and the first paragraph gave the reader insight about the topic, good job!
ReplyDeleteI really did enjoy the voice in the piece; the teenager who feels like they need a bit more freedom. Your thoughts are rational but also sound like the normal tone of a whiny teenager. Whiny in a good way! However, I noticed a few misuses of words such as "she inquired her voice". You inquire something to ask, it's not a state of voice. Also, you appear to be missing some commas that make the clarity a bit obscured. Perhaps to improve it you could make the father's dialect less cold and hateful and more protective and alarmed. I feel like we're getting the wrong idea about his persona.
ReplyDeleteHaha sorry claudia there was a comma in the "she inquired, her voice low" part but my font is so tiny commas don't really show!
DeleteThis sounds like a situation you personally experienced, just with the name changed. Honestly I know what it's like to have a dad like that, a little overprotective to the point of controlling. Anyways, I like how you used the age old stereotype of the "I'll talk to your mother" card. It's a classic for a reason. I said something similar to Claudia, think about it from the dad's point of view, why doesn't he want to let the daughter go? Father's love comes across in a strange way to a daughter.
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